All Kids, Outta the Pool!

Why can't all aspects of life have an adult swim option? There are already such things as adult only communities but I'd love to take it several steps further. For nearly every activity or social setting there needs to be an option for adults only. No fucking kids, no goddamned babies, no fucking exceptions.

I'm consistently baffled by coffee shops and neighborhood cafés to double as fucking day cares. Somehow from the counter to the creamer station I must've missed the ball pit and jungle gym. Had I known the shop was also a playpen I would've brought some of my own toys, namely my Louisville Slugger.

But seriously, why are your demon spawn crawling all over this place like a fucking Chuck E Cheese? Most cafés spend a lot of time and money on their decor creating some sort of ambiance whether it be romantic and vintage, eclectic and artsy, or whatever, but I can't for the life of me understand why when they might as well just deck the place out in fisher price. In fact, don't stop there, clear out your fridge of organic sodas- the last thing those litter fuckers need is sugar and caffeine- and restock it with Carnation baby formula and Gerber purees.

I swear to christ if I had the loot I'd open an adults-only joint. It'd either flop or flourish. Sure I'd lose the business of all those self-righteous stay-at-home moms and Carribean nannies, but I stand to gain the $1-$4 daily purchases of all sorts of artists, writers, and professionals who need a spot to hang out in, get a little work done all with out being climbed on and hearing those god-awful shrieks from their slobbery little mouths and soft heads.

If the coffee shop goes well, who knows, maybe I could extend the adult-only thing into other aspects of daily life. Like Prospect Park's weekend "no cars" rule we could have one or two days a week, or even just a few hours each day with no kids in the parks...or certain streets designated child-free. Imagine being able to walk down one of your favorite neighborhood streets and getting all of your errands done with out being mowed down by run away toddlers or navigating a sidewalk jammed solid with Escalade-sized strollers.

Perhaps if these ideas meld into our society I could run for office and make more enhancements for all of those fine taxpaying citizens who love children but don't feel they need to be surrounded by the little fucks and their self-entitling parents. Maybe I can run on a "permit-to-procreate" platform. All in favor say AYE!